Wondering......

Well I am just sitting here wondering about what might and might not happen. I have tonight off of work and therefore I am up and running full steam ahead while my family is all upstairs sleeping. I just can't sleep. Oh well. Anyhow so I am sitting here thinking about my upcoming cycle wondering if it is going to work or not. Will the medications do what they are supposed to do? Will I be able to get enough rest while I am going through with this procedure? Who knows. It is horrible. All of this wonder and I still wont know for about 6 weeks or so. I am happy to be starting a new cycle but worried as well. After the loss of my baby last time....I know I know I have to get those bad thoughts out of my little brain! It is just so easy to slip back to the time of finding out that I was preggo and then the loss was so unreal. I should have my little baby in my arms this month. My due date came and went. It is so hard to even think about. I know all of the stupid stuff that people say to you...it was for the best....there was something wrong with the baby....it will happen at the right time.....blah blah blah. They don't understand. They really don't. How could they? I know that they are just trying to be helpful and all but sometimes I just want to scream at them and chew them up.... I am trying to refocus and have a good, positive mental attitude. That is what I need right now anyhow....

The Plan...

I have been through a lot on my personal journey for this baby. Last year I did my first round of IVF-ICSI and got pregnant with one baby (I had 2 embryos transferred). I ended up going into labor at 12 weeks and lost the baby. It was the worst time of my life to have to go through that. It was unbelievable. I have never felt such pain and heartache in my entire life. I can't even begin to explain what it was like. People say "oh it was so early" and "at least it happened then instead of at 30 weeks". Like who cares about that at what does that mean anyhow? I still lost the baby I had grown to love. Listening to the little heartbeat and seeing the U/S every week. It was so hard to deal with....so hard. Anyhow in order to have some sort of semblence of normality (for me anyhow) I had to have a plan. I went through FET in January of this year and unfortunately it was a BFN!!! It was sad and I did need a few days to kind of regroup after that little ordeal. Tom was a great source of support for me and helped me more than words can say. I try not to lay everything on him all the time because he would go bonkers, I think!!!! I am sure it is on my mind more than his on a daily basis! Women...its what we do. Fret. :) Anyhow so that brings us to here and we are getting ready to start a new cycle. It should be interesting. I am supposed to have my phone consultation with the nurse on the 3rd of April to let me know what medications I will need to order and when I will be starting everything. As far as I know I will be starting the Lupron on April 13th. I am very excited to have a "plan" and to get going on things.